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This Is All YOUR Fault
(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room) Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. We're gonna do something a little bit different this week. First off, I wanna introduce you to someone. (We cut to a clip of Kathryn in her wedding dress and a tiara) Nash (vo): This is Kathryn. And while the tiara is ridiculous, this video is from her wedding, so it's all good. Mostly. Anyway, Kathryn is the one who does 90% of the research for the show. She's got the uncanny ability to find the worst, most painful crap on the internet. Which she then hands over to me. Nash: While Kathryn does an incredible job, she's not the only one on the look out for this type of madness. Lots of you have sent me stories of mankind run amok. Lots of you. Lots...and lots of you. Oh so many. So many horrible things you've sent me. Awful, freaking things. I mean, what are you trying to do, infect my dreams with such terrible bullshit that my brain leaks out of my nose!? Heh, heh, heh. Well, um, this week, we're going to look at some of the various and sundry bizarreness that you've put in my inbox. And trust me, we'll make sure everyone knows who's to blame for the forthcoming nightmares. Now while we normally do a brief history of the topic in question each week, doesn't exactly apply to this episode. With that in mind, we present you with the following Great Moment in Stupid History. (We come to our cartoon, Great Moments In Stupid History) Nash (vo): One upon a time, (the classic Doctor Who logo appears) the only place you could watch Doctor Who in the United States was PBS. (Stick Boy and Stick Girl are seen on a couch watching TV) Folks would curl up on the couch to see the adventures of everyone's favorite Time Lord (Tom Baker) as he did battle (a picture of a Cyberman is shown) with bubble wrap and tinfoil. But on November 22nd, 1987, viewers of Chicago's WTTW who expected Tom Baker and the Horror of Fang Rock, were treated to the following. And yes, this absolutely freaking happened. (The episode is interrupted by Max Headroom, the audio very much garbled, leaving Stick Boy and Stick Girl very confused at what the hell they're watching, especially of him bending over to get spanked by a...fly swatter? The episode goes back to normal, though both Stick Boy and Girl's heads are blown right the hell up) Nash (vo): To this day, no one knows who was responsible, why they did it, or what the hell it meant? But if you ever wanted to know where the Youtube Poop concept originated, there you go. Nash: Just think. In 1987, the only place you could see something like that was through a hacked signal on public broadcasting. Now it's the basis for the entire internet. We've come so far. Right then, now that we've set the tone, let's dig into this week's first story. (he takes out his phone and pokes at it with a stylus) Ah. David Schwartz of Astoria, New York sends us the...wait. No. Bullshit. (The report is titled "Woman says 3D porno made her pregnant") Nash (vo): No, no, no. Bullshit! Is this the Onion? This is real? Bullshit! Nash: Apparently, soldier's wife, Jennifer Johnson claimed a 3D porno made her pregnant. Bullshit! No way, uh uh, nobody is this stupid! Nobody is this fucking stupid! Bullllshit! Her husband, Eric Johnson, says "anything is possible." Really? You think the illuminated image of another man's penis special touched your wife's vagina, now she's got a little celluloid bun in the oven? How? How the hell does that work? It's a movie! Movies don't work that way! Things can't come through the screen and touch you! (We get a clip from Nightmare on Elm Street 3 as Freddy uses his powers to make a TV come to life and make a girl's head go through the screen, killing her) Nash: Okay, except for that, but that's only because that movie fucking rules. Let's hope the actual real sperm donor for Jennifer's little 3D miracle has a higher IQ than the parents to be, which would be about...hm, what is this IQ of crabgrass anyway? Well then, let's see what's next this week. Okay, here we are. BookOfBlues sends us a story from Adelaide, Australia, where a man's dog was thrown out of a restaurant...for being gay. I actually just said that, didn't I? (The report is titled "Restaurant Fined for Refusing "Gay" Dog") Nash (vo): No, seriously, that's what happened. A blind man was refused service because the waiter thought his guide dog...was gay. Nash: I'm gonna have to do it, aren't I? There's...no way around it, is there? *sigh* Roll the freaking clip. (And we get a clip from South Park) Stan: Now, don't be gay! Sparky: (confused) Stan: Don't be gay, Spark! Don't be gay! Sparky: (lets out a confused grunt) Nash: What the fuck is wrong with you? It's a dog. Can dogs be gay? I don't know. You know what? Doesn't fucking matter! It's a dog! What do you care if the dog is gay? Was it pushing the canine homosexual agenda on you? Did it want gay dog marriage? No! It's a fucking dog! Only three circumstances in what a dog thinks is going to affect you: if it's angry, if it's hungry, or it's telling you to kill the freaking neighbors. Anything else, not your problem. It's a dog, let it go! *sigh* Moving on. Kay, let's see here. (pokes at the phone) Simon sends us this story from Fond Du Lac, Wisconson, where...oh fuck. You're not gonna believe this one. (The report is titled "Wisconson Man Runs Over, Eats Seven-Legged Trangendered Deer") Nash (vo): Apparently, Rick Lisko was out driving when he hit a deer...which turned out to have seven legs, and both sets of genitals...which he then ate? Nash: He ate it? You're fucking with me here! Okay, if you hit something with your car, you should not eat it. If you hit something with your car and it has seven legs, you really shouldn't eat it. And if you hit something with your car that has seven legs, a penis and a vagina, you absolutely, positively, should not eat it! Do I have to break this down for you? (And we get a clip of puppets singing the "Don't Put It In Your Mouth" song) Nash: The fuck is wrong with you!? Didn't you ever watch the Thing? First you're eating a seven-legged hermaphroditic deer, next thing you know you're trying to chew off Kurt Russell's face! Didn't work out for Goldie Hawn, won't work out for you! Okay. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. I can get through this. (Poking the phone) Okay, next story comes from the Shades, and it's a Florida story. Ah Christ, this is gonna hurt. (The report is titled "Gotcha! U.S. lawmaker caught looking at porn on Senate floor" Nash (vo): Oh fuck you fuck you fuck you! Dammit, Florida! Apparently an abortion debate in the State Senate was too boring for Senator Mike Bennett, who decided he needed a break. With tits. Nash: Really? Really. First off, you're a state senator. If you can't find the ability to pay attention to the business of governance while it's actually going on around you, get the fuck out! You're not allowed to be bored! You're getting paid out the ass, and unless you're found in bed with a boy, a goat, a power tool or all three, you're essentially set for life. You don't get the luxury of being bored, you shithead! Secondly, porn? In the middle of the debate, you're looking at porn? In the middle of the abortion debate, one of the most sensitive and polarizing issues in America today, and you're looking at porn? You know what, I need help on this one. R. Lee, hook a brother up. (And we get a clip of Full Metal Jacket) Sgt. Hartman: I bet you're the kinda guy to fuck a person up the ass and not have the goddamn common courteosy to give him a reach-around! Nash: So yeah, R. Lee just took your balls there, put 'em in his pocket and saved them for a rainy day. You'll get 'em back when you deserve them! Let's see what's next. (He pokes his phone again) Wow. Lot of you sent in the same story. Whole lot, actually. I think well over twenty? Well, let's have a look here. (We get a report titled "I'm in love with my grandson - and we're having a baby!" Nash lets out a loud scream that has clips of animals running, and heard all the way out to the Death Star, confusing Darth Vader) Nash (vo): What!? What!? What the what!? Okay, no, I'm a pro! I can get through this! 72-year old Pearl Carter recently found her long lost grandson, 26-year old Phil Bailey. And naturally, they decided the most sensible thing to do was to start fucking--(he's had enough) okay, that's it! Nash: (he shakes his head) Okay! That's it! That's the last goddamn straw! That is, in fact, the quadriplegic dromedary! What are you trying to do? Kill me!? Give me a stroke, cause me to burst into merry flames out of sheer what-the-fuckery!? You know what? Somebody pays. Yeah, that's right, somebody's paying for this! Let's see here. (he takes his phone out again, looking up a name) Uh huh...ah! HappyKitty732! A username like that, you deserve to pay! Let's do another google search here, and... (and he's laughing quite wickedly) I got your address! I got your address, fucker! (he's laughing quite mad as he picks up his hammer and leaves. Stroke 9's "Kick Some Ass" plays throughout the rest of the episode) (We get a clip of a plane taking off, then Nash looking at an invoice for an address. He takes his hammer out, then goes to an apartment, bursting through the door) Nash (vo): So you like sending people awful shit on the internet, huh?! (crashing is heard) Hold still, you little bastard! Don't run! Don't run! (the rest I can't make out, but more crashing going on) (Nash leaves the apartment and is standing outside, holding his hammer when a woman comes up to him) Woman: Hey, you're Nash! Nash: Yeah? Woman: I watch your show all the time. Nash: (he looks at the apartment, then back to the woman) Are you HappyKitty732? Woman: Yeah. Nash: You live at...4B Oak St? Woman: Uh huh. Nash: Right there? (pointing to the apartment he went into) Woman: No, that's 4A. Nash: Ah. Hold this. (he gives her the hammer and runs off. she gives it a sniff, then Nash comes back) Keep watching the show! (and he darts off, the woman giving the hammer another sniff.) (A clip of a plane landing is shown, then Nash walking back to his chair) Nash: If anyone asks, I was here the whole time. This is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does everybody else. (Now the credits roll) Final quip: We are not liable for anyone made pregnant by viewing this show. (Last clip of the episode is the Max Headroom nonsense)